Back in the Saddle Again 6/11/08

I'm not counting days anymore. It doesn't get me anywhere. I'm starting fresh.

Interview on Wednesday 6/18. . . wish me luck

Day 96 4/2/05 I know her name is Mary

A couple months ago I gave our mail carrier a gift for Valentine’s Day. It wasn’t anything special, just some hot cocoa for her to enjoy on a cold day. I meant to get her a gift for Christmas, but didn’t get to it. She delivered a package one day and thanked me for the gift. After out exchange I could’ve kicked myself for not asking her name. It’s a simple ritual, but one I find most people appreciate. I didn’t want to keep calling her our mail lady, or the mail carrier. She wasn’t defined by her job. Fast forward a couple months and she once again ring the bell to deliver a package. This time I will not miss my chance. I thank her for the gift and causally say, “I’m sorry, I forgot to ask your name last time.” To which she replied, “It’s Mary, an easy one to remember.” With that I replied, “ Nice to meet you Mary, I’m Jill. Thanks and have a good day.” Second crisis averted and I now know that our mail carrier’s name is Mary.

Day 96 5/1/08 Mayday May Day

Admittedly, I’ve been lax on my blog for the past couple weeks. So, instead of trying to go back and recreate witty blogs, instead I’ll take my guilt and channel it into a fresh start blog. I haven’t been blogging like I wanted to which, to me, is just another example of my lack of commitment. Let’s get real here, I’m NOT even working and I can’t manage a measly blog once a day. What is happening to me? I never thought I’d be the non working person who ran out of time in a day… maybe I have become that. At any rate, I do feel guilty for temporarily abandoning my blog, but I’m back and that’s what counts.

I think I didn’t blog for those weeks because, while I was enjoying that time, there was an under layer of confusion and sadness that has set in. It comes in small doses, but I feel it just the same. I am still happy with my decision and know it was the right one so I’m not sad about that. I think I’m just feeling a little bit lost these days. I think I’m also feeling conflicted because I do want to get a job, but I do enjoy not working. On top of that I realize that I’m not even thirty and not working is not an option. So I grapple with all of that and return to the keyboard, determined.

Day 81 4/14/08 Thanks for the gift

Today I experienced the most wonderful gift. For about three minutes I got to spend time with my grandmother. We spend a lot of time together, but today I felt like she was actually there, actually present and with me. Upon entering their house she recognized me and told me to call her ‘grandma’. We also spent another couple minutes making the bed. Her moves were deliberate and precise. Today she knew how to make the bed and she didn’t fumble through confusion as she often does. The bad news was that these moments were all too fleeting. The bad news is also that she thinks she makes the bed every day when in fact, she hasn’t made the bed in months (grandpa does). But the good news is that I got three more minutes with her. They were good minutes. The good news is is that I was IN that moment with her. I recognized the gift I’d been given and I didn’t waste it. Today was precious.

Day 80 4/11/08 Happy Birthday, kinda

I’m eight days old today. I don’t know if I ever thought through this journey of trying to find a different job that I would be this old. Not to be mislead, I’ve not been hitting the job trail as hard as I should. Sickly, I’m still rather enjoying my time off, though I know it needs to end. I don’t feel eighty days old today. I should probably feel depressed by my job prospects and discouraged about the future, but I don’t. I can’t help enjoying the time that I have left (does that sound morbid or what?). It makes me wonder about what I’ll actually be like at age 80, as in years. I wonder when I’m that old and I look back at my life what I will have accomplished. I wonder if I’ll have had kids. I’ll wonder of my career, husband, and friends. Will I be in some facility? Heck, will I even be alive? 80 years makes 80 days look young.

Day 79 4/10/08 CA, pain in the, REAR

ca·reer

- Show Spelled Pronunciation[kuh-reer] Pronunciation Key

–noun

1.an occupation or profession, esp. one requiring special training, followed as one's lifework:

2.a person's progress or general course of action through life or through a phase of life, as in some profession or undertaking.

3.success in a profession, occupation, etc.

4.a course, esp. a swift one

5.speed, esp. full speed:

6.Archaic. a charge at full speed.

7.to run or move rapidly along; go at full speed.

8.having or following a career; professional

Hmm. . . .

An occupation requiring special training- not necessarily

A person’s progress or general course of action through life, or through a phase of life- this one I like because between the lines it implies there can be more than on career for a person depending on the phase of life.

Success in a profession- I’m working on this one

A course, esp a swift one- this on is only true is a) you know what you want and b) you know the right people

Archaic, a charge at full speed- again, only if you know what you want or know the right person

To run or move rapidly along- slow and steady wins the race

Having or following a career; professional- still working on this one too

Day 78 4/9/08 Ruined by wheat flour

I a slight attempt at health I substituted wheat flour for standard white flour when making cookies today. I do not recommend the substitution. My cookies were extra brown, harder to judge when done and flatter than usual. The overall taste was just subtle, however, slightly noticeable. I had to let them soak in milk an extra twenty seconds in order to drown out the wheat flour. After my experience I was wondering if it was worth it. Yes, I’d chosen flour higher in fiber and lower in empty calories, but as my friend put it, “when I want a cookie, I just want a cookie. I’d rather enjoy one good one than three healthier ones” Point noted and taken. I think next time I won’t be so healthfully ambitious and just make them the

Day 77 4/8/08 DIEt Coke

I just can’t drink like I used to. Beer, fine. Wine, fine. But, Diet Coke, not so fine anymore. For the past seven years every morning I would wake up, get ready for work and settle into the morning with a Diet Coke. It didn’t matter what, if anything, I was having for breakfast because my Diet Coke was my coffee and it went with everything. For the past week or so I’ve been unable to finish one measly can with breakfast. Perhaps I am getting sick and this is the worst sign of all. Perhaps I’m sadly growing out of my Diet Coke phase. It’s hard to see outside of this addiction because I’ve been “off the wagon” for over fifteen years. Many people argued with me that Diet Coke was gross and I was simply drinking it to avoid the calories of regular pop, but this was not the case at all. First of all, if you knew what I looked like you’d be well away that I don’t discriminate against food or shy away from calories. Secondly, having three sips of non diet pop makes me feel like I’ve just eaten an entire box of sugary sweets. I honestly enjoy the muted taste and accompanying strange refreshment of the diet beverage.
Disclaimer though, I enjoy diet coke over all sodas/pops and I don’t usually care for the diet variety of Pepsi products or any clear pops. So, I guess only time will tell is my diminished taste for diet coke is simply a fluke, a sign of maturity, or an indicator of a larger problem.

Day 76 4/7/08 FOUR

Four is the number of people I spoke with today, not including those I emailed. Four is the number including my husband and the other three were sales clerks. I ran out today for a quick errand and exchanged at max fifteen words with each clerk. So, not including my husband I spoke about forty five words, out loud, to people in the outside word today. Months ago I wouldn’t spoken more than forty five by the time my carpooler and I reached the end of my block. Preceding the Diet Coke incident, things are not looking up.

Day 75 4/4/08 Pasta, wine and caves oh my!

Happy 50^th to my good friend, Kelly! He embraced the black wrapping paper, the big “Over the Hill” buttons and the pimped out wheelchair. I on the other hand embraced my youth, my younger years, the wine and my Pasta Arrabiata. The guest list ranged from my husband and I (late twenties) all the way through to the guest of honor (Fifty)! The conversations ebbed and flowed like the wine and laughter was heard through the restaurant. The birthday boy received a serenade form the “little Italian with the mandolin” and we all got a private tour of the Stillwater caves. Even having spent all of my life within 25 mile radios of the Stillwater Historic Caves, I’ve never been on a tour. All these years walking down Main Street and dining in little side restaurant I’ve never once wandered into the caves. The tour was informative and at times scary, but overall very interesting. It was a good history lesson and a curiosity that I never knew I had been now answered.