DAy 29 1/31/08 Is Pensivity a word?

I wonder if pensivity is a word, because it's certainly the word that describes my day. A night of little sleep and restless thoughts lead me to today. I should call today doubt day, because that's what it feels like. I'm lost in a flurry of anger, doubt, insecurity and confusion. I'm drenched in fear for the future and disgust over my sometimes lack of faith. A good friend of mine told me that I should always put the positive out there, because if I do that's what I'll get back. I'm doing my darndest, but today is a hard one. I'm stuck inside my own mind and I'm letting it wander and there is no lease in sight. No desire to wrangle my thoughts back to reality. Today every little thing sets my world into a tailspin. I'm dizzy today; the world is spinning.

Day 28 1/30/08 Father time

I embark upon day 30 with surprising calmness. I spent most of yesterday reading a book. I haven't finished a book in two days, well, ever. I read and I read and I wanted to read more. I wanted to see how the story would end. Would the boy get the girl? Would the boy live? So I read until it ended and then I sat there and stared at the book, wondering. I haven't had a free day to designate to reading in a long time. I felt affected by the book and overwhelmed by the opportunity to spend the afternoon reading it. I sat safely under my melon green blanket, book in hand and water on the table. I was not going to leave the couch until I knew the fate of the characters that I'd become so involved in. It was a good day, a day that I shall not take for granted. I day that I will remember whenever I have idle time. I commit myself to growing and learning more ever chance I get because you never know when you might run out of chances.

Day 27 1/29/08 What to lose

I just received an email my girlfriend lost her father last night. It was unexpected, and I pray peacefully quick. I send a little prayer up to the big man to welcome him into his eternal life. I know it sounds cheesy, but it's just my ritual. Whenever someone passes, or is ill, or I see an accident on the side of the road, I offer up a little prayer. I've been out of practice, except for those few tossed up every now and then. I think God understands and accepts my position and prayers. It's days like today that make you incredibly thankful for what you have. Today I will relish every moment, embrace my family and appreciate all that today gives me.

Day 26 1/28/08 The air we breathe

What an eventful morning, and it's only 10am. This morning Matt awoke to the smell of gas and determined that one burner on the stove had been left on low overnight. No flame and a cold stove, but one can never be too careful. I was the last one cooking, but I could swear I turned everything off. It doesn't matter, 2 hours and one Xcel repairman later we are in the clear. We are operating at only 1% gas concentration and are good to go. I'll leave the windows open for another hour or so, but all's well that ends well.

I have been up for an unusually long time already this morning, and it's given me a lot of time to knit, reflect and let my mind wander. I' checked my email, no response yet from my first application. I checked the internet this weekend and no postings that really strike my fancy. I'm growing weary and concerned, but my husband assures me things will be fine. I still know I made the right decision. Everything happens for a reason. In the words of Greg, "off to..."

Day 25 1/25/08 What will be, will be

And so it is done. I submitted my first official application, complete with cover letter, resume and three writing samples. This is a big step, one most people wouldn't think twice about. I don't want to get my hopes up, but the description online was totally for me. I don't want to get my hopes up because for all I know the job has closed, or it was a scam to begin with. Whatever happens, I did enjoy the process of tweaking my resume to fit their needs and gathering writing samples. I felt like I was doing something that was going to go somewhere . . . and I haven't felt invigorated like that in a long time! Cheers and prayers for a call or response!

Day 24 1/24/08 Cover Me, Cover Letter

I've spent the morning, along with an hour or so last night pouring over job postings. What's out there? What do I want? Job descriptions are hilarious to me, I find you have to read between the lines to determine just what job you're applying for. When I left my previous job, I read over the job posting and understood... um, like 60% of it. 20% of it was simply stuffed with empty brand and buzz words and the other 20% was vague and generic. Overall it correlated to the job I'd been doing for over 6 years, but I don't know it was the actual job I'd been doing. I think weeding through the political red tape to tap into the heart of the job will be my biggest challenge of all. That, and the cover letter and writing samples I have to gather today to apply for my dream job (fingers crossed that they hire me)!

Day 22 1/23/08 Naked Lunch... minus the naked part

Today I had lunch with a girlfriend (shout out to K2), and we had a wonderful afternoon together. We brooded over PB & J sandwiches and dished over steaming potato soup (homemade because soup is the best way to stretch a dollar and we're currently both unemployed). Our conversation strolled along as we spoke of the recent weeks, past relationships and current friendships. We wandered down memory lane, only to end at Reality Street. On Reality Street lives conversations about money and spending and debt and college. It's home to fear and frustration dashed with a tiny bit of hope. We ended lunch with your usual hug and all too cliche exchange of "We could talk for hours about this stuff. Let's do it again next week." And, if I haven't won the lotto, or scheduled that hot job interview, we will see each other again next week. And we will walk the talk.

Day 21 1/22/08 Wine and Whiners

I’m spending day 22 blogging instead of writing. Well, technically blogging is writing, but I’m spending day 22 situating myself with my new blog. I never thought this day would come. All I’ve done is taken someone else’s template, added my wicked rantings and ta-da, I feel like I’ve created a website all on own. I’m so hip! I am so unemployed.

Day 20 1/21/08 MLK Day

Today it dawns on me. Today, MLK day it dawns on me. After a productive day of reflection, Program 5 on the treadmill, lunch date with family friend and mom, homemade pizza it dawns on me. It dawns on me at 8:15 central/standard time just how difficult finding a job might be. I might be an insurmountable task. I rifle through job posting after job posting, wondering. I wonder if I'd like that job. I wonder if I'm even qualified. Do I use my potential non qualification as a crutch to not apply? Do I use the resume requirement to buy time until the job posting has bee removed? Do I use the "It's on Craig's List, is it safe" excuse disregarding my potential next dream job? Yes, today I've used all of these excuses. I find myself disappointed in myself tonight at 8:17pm. I shall not use any of these excuses tomorrow.

Day 19 1/18/08 Ouch

Actual literal day count without a job is 30, that includes weekends and holidays. Wow! That’s like a month. I can't believe it's been a month since I was employed. I don't mind the gap in my resume, I'm actually rather enjoying it, but I hope an employer doesn't mind the gap. (Isn't that a saying over in Europe in the train systems, “Mind the Gap!"?) Anyway, no time to dwell today, I've got a full agenda to keep me occupied and ignorant of my unemployment. I've had a job since I was fifteen and this is the longest break I've ever had. Ugh.