Day 60 3/14/08 Down is up

I felt soured.
A pit rising,
gaining momentum with every second
and every breath.

Weakened by fear
and stunted by tears
my heart swelled
head pounded.
I was down.

So low
that down looked up
with fate most cruel slyly
laughing at me.

What a wicked day.
Unscrupulous.
Chintzy with kindness.

Winner took all
Not for the pain or regret,
sorrow, anger
or disappointment

Again so low
That down looked up.

Day 59 3/13/08 Guilty Pleasures

Today I feel guilty. I feel guilty I quit my job. I feel guilty that I don’t have a job. I feel guilty that my husband works two jobs. I feel guilty that I want him to double his income. I feel guilty for secretly not wanting a new full time job. I feel guilty for betraying myself and settling right out of college. I feel guilty for making my self feel bad. I am guilty of feeling guilty. At age 28.8 can I be so disillusioned with work that I never want to have a full time job again? At my age should I be at this crossroads? Is it healthy? Is it late, a delayed quarter life crisis? Am I being selfish for looking for something more? Should I just shut up and take the next job that comes my way. Should I turn my head and look the other way and accept complacency? Today I’m wrestling with my emotions and I don’t know which one is going to win out. I have an appointment scheduled this afternoon with a recruiter. Perhaps she can shed some light on my situation. I mean, someone has to at least.

Day 58 3/12/08 Out of sorts and short on luck

Today I feel very disjointed and out of sorts. My internet isn't working and neither is my brain.

Possible jobs to look into: 3
Submissions for publication: 1
Miles walked: 2.01
Appointment with employment recruiter: 1

Day 57 3/11/08 Pidittle

One headlight always burns out before the other. Uno break light on my car goes out. A single light bulb from a chandelier always blackens before the others. I noticed this while I was on the freeway last night. As we pulled behind the blue Pontiac Grand Am I thought to myself, “gosh buddy, it’s dark out turn your lights on!” As we got closer it turned out that his lights were in fact on, but that both of his tail lights were in fact burnt out. It was a strange sight, I mean you never have two things burn out at once. This was a rarity; a highway gem. I looked at the car as we passed and gave him a “thumbs up.” Both tail lights burnt out at the same time, this was his lucky day. He wasn’t forced to drive a pidittle, or get pulled over for just one tail light being out. He went full court press on this weather he knew it or not. It just got me to thinking about all of the oddities that happen with lights and light bulbs and how nothing happens simultaneously. I’m only left to presume then behind the flicking of a switch is a complicated labyrinth of wire board. It may look to us like we’re turning on a light fixture, or our car lights at the same time, but some tedious wires spark just milliseconds before another. An organized sequential release of power that appears coincident to the naked eye. That has to be the actual explanation, though I prefer my own explanation that life just isn’t fair and something’s aren’t perfect.

Today I think I’m going to send my resume to a recruiter. No harm in securing back up for what could be an uphill battle. I’ve never worked with a recruiter before. Heck, there is a lot I haven’t done before, but I guess I’ll give this a try. Today I’m going to walk along the river because it’s a warm and sunny 42 degrees outside and I don’t want to waster the day. Today I’ll also fire off a few emails… a couple to potential contacts and a couple potential submissions.

Outlook today: ambiguous

Day 56 3/10/08 The merry go round, and round and round

Why do we continually repeat our mistakes and recycle our poor habits and bad behaviors? How many times do we have to tell ourselves that we’ll never do something again, only to do it again the very next day. This dawned on my again last night as I was filing down a nail I’d chomped off. As a child I was big into nail biting, but when I grew up I envied long nails and vowed to grown mine out no matter what. I slip every once and awhile and every time my nail breaks voluntarily I tell myself that “this is the last time.” If a cat has nine lives, then how man ‘last times’ can one person have? I presume to have at least a million because I’ve probably told myself a million times to stop doing one thing or another. It’s like we all experience temporary amnesia and sanity kicks in one split second too late. We become so fixated on a chipped nail, a ripe pimple, stray grey hairs, and blisters.

For the record, I’ve never heard of an instance where someone need their stomach pumped because they ate too many fingernails. A mouth is a human nail clipper and in a pinch it’s all you got. Gross but true. I think that chipped nails need immediate emery board attention or you’re doomed. Not to be vulgar but most pimples need popping. How many times have you been talking to someone and all you can see is a full pimple on their chin? You’re entranced by it and you spend the entire conversation wondering to yourself how they can’t see it, or why they don’t just pop it. Stray grey hairs are annoying and must be plucked. Seven more will not grow back in their place and even if they do, just pluck those suckers too. Blisters were meant to be drained. All that rubbing needs some relief. And don’t lie to yourself, there is a sick satisfaction in biting nails, popping pimples, plucking hairs and draining blisters. There is nothing to be ashamed of, we all feel the same way. Go ahead, just admit it. Just pop it, you’ll feel better.

Day 55 3/7/08 Dear diary

Dear dream job,

Hi. How are you? What have you been up to? I haven’t heard from you in over twenty eight years, where have you been? I’m wondering why you never email, call, or write. Have I done something to offend? I know we left things on ambiguous terms, but I really thought you’d come around and see things my way. I really thought that you’d make an effort to find me. I admit that I am disappointed in you. Things between us didn’t turn out as planned.

I spent all those years in school working for you. I spent all that time in college learning for you. I’m sorry I wasted all those years at the other job trying to avoid you. I think I just wasn’t ready for our relationship. Our distance was unintentional. I just didn’t know how to deal with you. Then one thing leads to another, and one year lead to a second and life got busy. Have I not apologized enough for that? I’ve racked my brain and spent many restless nights, excluding the ones where I cried myself to sleep thinking about you. I wonder what you look like now. I wonder how you’re spending your time. I’ve sent letters to different jobs, offered myself to others, but they just aren’t you. I’m trying to find you not get over you.

I thought I did everything I was supposed to do. I’m hoping you’ve never been too far away. Are you watching me watch you? I hope so.

Please email, call, or write soon. I need you.

Love,
Jill

Day 54 3/6/08 It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright) sunshiny day

The chorus of Neil Finn’s I Can See Clearly now echoes in my head today as I approach the bed. I’m going to conquer bed making in the morning today. I’m going to tame the sheets and domesticate the comforter, all before noon. I walk into the dark room and immediately open the blinds. Shades of grey lift tenfold and the room is transformed. A shallow and fading cast of shade just across the bed gives light on the north way. I am immediately prompted to walk through the rest of the house and open all remaining blinds. I can’t fight the sun. I can’t fight the day. It is seeping in through the one inch fold of the faux wooden blinds. I am letting sun and positively saturate my house and my mood today. Then the song pops in my head and I walk upstairs humming it. I don’t hum, what’s going on?

I can see clearly now the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way,
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind.
'cuz It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright) sunshiny day.
'cuz It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright) sunshiny day.

I think I can make it now the pain is gone,
And all of the bad feelings have disappeared,
Here is the rainbow I've been praying for.
'cuz It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright) sunshiny day.

Look all around, nothing but blue skies.
Look straight ahead, nothing but blue skies.

I can see clearly now the rain is gone.
I can see all obstacles in my way.
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind.
'cuz It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright) sunshiny day.
'cuz It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright) sunshiny day.
'cuz It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright) sunshiny day. (Neil Finn)

‘cuz It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright), job finding day.

DAy 53 3/8/08 Walk it off, man

Who coined the phrases “walk it off,” and “shake it off” (I’m sure I could locate this through some internet research, but not now)? Most days I find walking and shaking to be the most annoying course of action. Let’s say a marathon runner has an ankle injury or a major league baseball pitcher breaks his hand, should they nonchalantly “shake and or walk it off? It could end their career or stifle their livelihood. The answer is clear. The answer is no. In both cases one risks sustaining further injury by walking or shaking anything off, unless you meant to shake off a limb, literally. And forgive me, but in the event that I am doing something physical and I hurt myself, the last thing I want to hear someone yell is, “shake it off”, unless they want to hear, “_____ off!” Swiftly followed by, “leave me alone,” or “ Can someone get me a Miller Lite!” This slogan, rather these words of encouragement, do nothing but aggravate me. No walking or shaking for me, it’s back to the locker room I go.

I do advocate the notion of walking off emotional pain, personal injury or indecision. I find the physical act of walking quite therapeutic actually. I find walking without purpose bring clarify and new found focus. Now, if I had to limp along I doubt I’d see things so clearly. But, on any given bad day I get myself outside, or lock myself in the basement with the treadmill I always emerge, or return home, a bit lighter of mind and lifted in spirit. I can’t walk off all my problems, but I do get a certain distance (forgive the pun) which helps.

Miles spent walking it off: 1.112
Beers spent shaking it off: 1

Day 52 3/4/08 On the mend, so now what?

After a good night’s sleep I put yesterday in perspective, and I put it behind me where it ought to be. Yesterday is not today and today is another day. Today I pledge to get my act together, to read the pile of literature and writing recommendations. Today I pledge to finish my friend’s shower invites, update my blog and start curbing my resume and crafting a cover letter for a part time position I’m interested. I also pledge that leaving my corporate job was not all for naught. I am dedicated to making my next career, or job, something different. What I intend to apply for is an Event Coordinator for the Minneapolis Parks and Rec. This is 180 degrees different than my last job, also noting it is part time and only lasts through the fall. I hesitate in applying because will I be in the exact same boat next fall? Will this potential opportunity lead to something great? Will working part time be one of the answers I was looking for? Then again, any money is more money than what I’m bringing in now. And, I’ve determined that in the past couple months people can live on a lot less money than they think. I’ve done some soulful searching about what, and what things are important to me. When I die, I’m not taking any of my crap with me so that speaks volumes to what’s truly valuable. I’ve digressed. Back to the subject at hand. I think I should just shut up and embrace this. I asked a good friend of mine if I should apply for this job, and he said, “Why wouldn’t you? If you’re the least bit interested, then just go for it.“ I’m more than the least bit interested in it…More to come.

Mikes walked: 1.2

Activity for tonight: CRAFT (Crafty Radical Awesome Female (Bonding) Time)

Day 51 3/3/08 Down down down

(Today's title makes me think of the scene in The Cable Guy when Jim Carey and Ben Stiller go to Medieval times and chant, "down, down, down. The red night's going down!")

Today finds me in a funk. I know I’ll rebound, but today I’d prefer to wallow in my concern and crabbiness. The morning was fine, I got my usual chores accomplished, but the afternoon took a downward spiral into the unemployment abyss. I receive, not surprisingly, a rejection letter from one of the companies I applied to. In truth, I was on the fence about this company and this job in particular, but the letter simply reaffirmed the lack of confidence I was already hiding in the day. I tried to be somewhat positive and read between the lines, but really, between the lines was just white space. The email, not even a letter or call, was cordial enough, “Based on careful review of the job requirements and your current skills and qualifications, we have determined that you are not a candidate for this position. Although you were not selected, we hope you will continue to visit our Career Center at ________________.” Ok then…I’ll dive into the part of me that truly didn’t want this job, but just wanted to see what would happen, and retreat. I think I’ll stay inside this part of me for the rest of the day. Today I’m not feeling worthy enough for even a phone call or letter. I guess I’d rather know sooner than later.

Miles walked: 1.1

Items purchased at the grocery store: 71