Day 50 2/29/08 The big 5-0 on leap year

I wonder if day 50 falling on leap year is good luck. I hope so. At the very least I hope it’s not bad luck. Seeing the big 5-0 on my calendar today makes me feel like I’ve reached some sort of milestone. I haven’t really, but I feel like I’ve conquered my forties and the best are yet to come. I feel like I’m one year close to retirement, even though I know this is just in days. Then I think about it again and realize that it’s been ten entire working weeks without work. Holy crap! Ten weeks really hits home. I think of all the things I’ve done in ten weeks and then I think about all the things that could be done in 10 weeks… half a TV season, almost one trimester of a pregnancy, half a school semester… I could go on, but the magnitude of these ten weeks off hits me. I’m going to absorb this and roll with it. Leaving my job was still the best decision and I stand by it with pride. This milestone is just a little blip in what will be the entirety of my career. Hello fifties, bring it on!

Day 49 2/28/09 Fiesta

Thursday we welcomed a dusting of snow. We also welcomed jammed up freeways, delayed commutes, cars in ditches, spinouts, and white knuckle driving. Who knew that so little snow could do so much damage. I had the pleasure of driving 20 miles n this nuisance, yet crippling snow and it wasn’t pretty. I sat in my car on one of the many ramps yesterday grateful that I didn’t have to do this every day. I was grateful, that for 90% of the winter I was able to avoid driving poor conditions and essentially avoid traffic altogether. I arrive at my friends, only a couple years shaved off my life just in time for tacos!!! Woo hoo! Fiesta! Tacos! Viva la carne! Top the tacos off with a margarita and a little Wii action and the night is complete. We shuffle away from our friend’s house, start the cars and scrape… and scrape… and scrape. All of the wonderful snow that sprinkled our cars on the way there has now frozen and wrapped our cars in a sheet of ice. Nice! After 5 minutes of solid scraping and grunting, we all head homeward. Fortunately for me, one five by five patch, directly in my line of vision, has frozen and remains so until 2 miles from my house. Yep, I’m the lady contorted in the driver’s seat trying to navigate home through a small unfrozen portion of the windshield. Laugh at me, pass me, I don’t care because I’m just trying to make my way home. I arrive home safely, and once again thank goodness for not having to do it every day…yet

Spirits: Even Steven 2 beers, 2 margaritas
Miles walked: 1.3

Day 48 2/27/08 A toast to Wednesdays

I am naughty. I am bad. I spent part of this afternoon at a bar, drinking beer. Ah, I only had two beers, but they might have been the best in my life. The brown bottle, the golden liquid so cold, crisp, refreshing, and defiant. I was at a bar in the middle of the afternoon in the middle of the week. I know how appreciative I should be for this field trip. I also know that I wasn’t alone at the bar. Not five minutes after I arrived did my friend’s husband show up with work friends. We had a good chuckle over our coincidental meeting and I even made a phone call to his wife letting her know that her husband and I were having a beer together, at separate tables of course. Then, not more that five minutes after that another friend’s husband wandered in. I found him alone, belly to bar just killing time before he had to be somewhere. We made idle chit chat and he claimed this was his first afternoon he’d been there, but he seemed right at home on his stool. As I walked back to my friend and my table I had to laugh. I thought, maybe this is where all the husbands go. Maybe this is the quintessential “out” where all husbands gather. I guess the only way to find out will be to go back next week! Cheers to that!

Day 47 2/26/08 Walk the line

I bucked my usual dreadmill workout today, exchanging it for an outdoor jaunt by the Mississippi River. The day looked pleasant, mild and sunny so I set forth in my journey only to notice the small crystal flakes of snow swirling and the invisible gusts of wind nipping at my neck. Onward I walked, just hoping to reach the river so the wind would be at my back. And then it was. It’s silent squalls gave momentum to walk faster and swing my arms more wildly. I was jamming to my iPod, picking up the pace during the fast songs and slowing for the somber ones. I passed my usual turn around point, and thought “today I am going to go further. I’m already freezing, what’s another 8 blocks?” I power walked on. I was lost in my own musical word, only stepping out to give a polite smile to other crazies walking or running on this cold day. I trekked on, the last leg completely uphill and snow covered. I slipped only once, and managed to arrive home just at the end of a U2 song. Ah, all in a days work.

Miles walked today: 2.1
Songs played on iPod while walking :17

Day 46 2/25/08 13:45

Thirteen is the number of pages required in the online application I filled out. Forty five is the number of minutes it took me to complete the application. It was all together far more complicated than I imagined an online application to be. First, I downloaded my resume, then “something” cut and pasted the content into the online form. Second step was to fill in the gaps. I did my best but there were some questions I could hardly answer. The first section was all yes/no questions and I found my palms sweating and my heart beating while reviewing the questions. I have never been convicted of a felony, but I sure did read that question five time to ensure I read it correctly and answered accordingly. Vague language stumped me and I had to weed my bull$%^ from the truth and honestly examine where I used to work, what I used to do, my qualifications and what I could stretch. Lastly, I had to list reference, don’t worry I have some great ones but I was overcome with paranoia that I might miss spell something, list a wrong number or email address…oh the horror.
In the end I probably painted myself a lesser candidate, but better to err’ on that side of caution. I certainly didn’t want to misrepresent myself to a possible employer. At the end of the day I have one complete application that is up for review. I am also on a mailing list for “similar jobs” and they will contact me with more information. Hey, it’s a step, no matter if it’s a baby step, it’s still a step.

Today: four loads of laundry, one card, reading, ten toes painted, one application and dinner on the stove.

Day 45 2/22/08 Espresso yourself

I can divide the people of the world into two categories: People that love coffee shops and people that dislike coffee shops. I spent the better part of an evening reading at a coffee shop, which is something I don’t do. To clarify, I can and do read, however, I’ve never been overly impressed with reading, or trying to get work done at a coffee shop. Once every seven to ten weeks I enjoy a frilly, double skinny, no froth, hold the calories, naked, bean less jolt, but most days I don’t.

Coffee shops just aren’t my shop of choice. I don’t like the smell of coffee, I seldom splurge on the foo foo drinks and I don’t even like the plain stuff. I feel out of place at coffee shops. I feel like I should be twenty again, back at college cramming for the finals. I feel exposed and alone, sitting there with my iPod, a book or a blank tablet (I’d say laptop, but I don’t own one).Coffee shops just aren’t for me, and what happened to me today, similar to what’s happened many other times, solidifies my choice to “shop” elsewhere.
Exhibit A: The churchgoer, perches a mere five feet to my right. I couldn’t help but be distracted by her conversation. She loudly pronounced herself as “broken” and “uninterested in pursuing any romantic relationships. With anyone. Period.” What the crap does broken even mean? Does is mean she just got dumped? Just got out of a relationship? Trying to “find herself?” She continued on, but I lost track as I reached for a piece of paper to write this down so I didn’t forget why I don’t like coffee shops. I felt bad for her friend, though I couldn’t see her face. I imagine her friend blankly staring at her, giving the occasional nod and smile, while secretly burning up on the inside. Secretly I imagine her friend making her grocery list, organizing her week and making a mental note to never meet again for coffee. Maybe I’m wrong, but these are the facts as I witnessed and was annoyed by them.
Exhibit B: Granola lady. Now, I’ll preface this by saying that I’m in support of people getting out of their houses, and spending time in public places. However, I’m not in favor of the loud and obnoxiously crunchy granola the woman two feet to me left brought to the coffee shop. She ordered a latte and settled in to the cozy chocolate leather chair near the fireplace. Innocent enough, right? She then proceeded to pull out a three course meal from her portable cooler. What? I know. Where did it come from? She had beans or some sort of veggie to start, then a chicken dish, final course of loud granola to conclude. It certainly was an interesting location to sit and eat dinner. Who knows, maybe this was her routine, maybe she was just in between classes, the point is, she was disturbing with all the granola chewing. The slower she chewed the louder the granola seemed and the more irritated and distracted I became.

Sidebar: On this particular evening I was meeting a good friend, and excused myself from my usual rule. We had a wonderfully engaging and productive conversation. I acknowledge the atmosphere was pleasant enough, but it’s still not my cup of tea, or coffee and it were.

Case closed.

Drinks: Skim white chocolate mocha, no whip and no bean.

Day 44 2/21/08

The birds’ chirping actually woke me up today. I hope, dear God that that means spring is in the air. I couldn’t quite catch their medley, but it was fresh and soothing, just like the morning sun seeping in through my bedroom blinds. We warmed up ten degrees overnight and it feels like a heat wave. Woo hoo, swimsuit weather is just around the corner. Let’s hope not, because I’m not swim suit ready yet. Of course, when have I ever been? I’ve made, not kept, the same New Year’s resolution for over 10 years... it is of course, to loose weight. I of course, never fulfill that resolution. I am fine with that. I think God is also fine with that. If he wants me thin, he would’ve made me thin, given me willpower, or made food taste dreadful. He has done nothing of the kind. In futile attempts I continue to eat better and get on the dreadmill, I mean treadmill. Today was a good day spent with friends and filled with energy and happiness. I wonder how many calories happiness burns?

Miles walked today: 1.24

Day 43 2/20/08 BEDder late than never

Some days the bed doesn’t get made until late afternoon. Mind you, it is always made before we crawl into it for a night’s slumber, but sometimes just hours before. The rich brownie colored comforter can lie in chocolaty mountains atop the crispy cream sheets for hours. And it’s not that I don’t love making the bed, it’s just some days the morning gets away from me and I abandon the bed, disshelved (the bed, not me). I have an order in which I make the bed and a select compulsiveness with which I attack this task. Sheet and blanket, together, are pulled over the pillows, and I often ignore the bumps and take little time to smooth everything out and tuck everything in. However, the final touches of straightening and arranging the comforter and pillows must be done “just so.” The comforter on the side of the bed exposed to the doorway must always be pulled down enough to cover up the lackadaisical covers underneath and the pillows must always be centered in the bed. There are a total of two pillow shams which cover up any exposed pajamas surrendering themselves under the pillows. In front of and on top of the two shams are three decorative pillows. Someone once told me that anything decorative must be done in odd numbers, so the three pillows are arranged in strategic order to complete the presentation. I can spend a good two to three solid minutes examining the bed with little tuck here and a yank there. I think this is the reverse metaphor for my actual life. In my bed, I want the top/outside to be presentable, caring very little for the imperfections underneath. However, in my life, I’d rather be complete and whole on the inside and worry less about what I look like on the outside. It’s possible that I spend more time making and straightening the bed, than I do actually getting myself ready for the day. Ah, what would a shrink say about that?

Day 42 2/19/08 Chicken soup for the soul

Today is a good day. It’s already four o’clock and I’m just now sitting down at the computer. I’ve already caught up with some old friends, run the usual errands and it’s about time to hit the shower after my workout. I’ve also set up a meeting with another contact later in the week. She’s currently an editor and a local magazine. She’s a great resource, and more importantly, a good family friend. I used to baby-sit for her children way back in the day. Her children are now 24, 19 and 16… that makes me feel old. It also makes me feel incredibly fortunate though. Not only have to have her as such a good resource for this transition period in my life, but this friendship demonstrates the strength and longevity of the relationships in my life. I’ve known this woman for over sixteen years and we’re still in contact. I’m blessed enough to be able to get updates on the kid’s lives. I get to see someone, a real person, grow up from baby to adult. Normally, we join people’s lives mid lifeline, but not with these children. With these children, I get to watch them go from four years old to Fordham University.

Loads of laundry today: 3 washed, dried and folded.
Home Cooked meals: 1, chicken noodle soup-from scratch.

Day 41 2/18/08 The day of the Bush

So, if I had worked at almost any other company, besides the Red Bulls eye, then I wouldn’t be blogging today. Most companies, including advertising agencies and all state employees have the day off. Luckily, however, my previous employer had no such vacation day so it is actually and officially day 41 of non employment. I feel like I’ve just had my 40^th birthday bash and everyone left the party, the balloons popped, and reality is setting in. I’m not thirty anymore (figuratively, not literally) and I’m just down the block from fifty. I feel ok though. Maybe I shouldn’t, but maybe ignorance is bliss. It doesn’t really matter because in my book, today was a good day. I got to spend the afternoon shopping around (only spent $28 on a gift certificate and birthday gift) with my mother. I imagine there are millions of people that wish they could spend the afternoon that way. I imagine there are millions of people wishing they could simply have one more moment with a loved one. So, for that, and for today, I am grateful and take the time to acknowledge that. I also spent part of the evening job searching, for that I’m less excited, but still grateful. Bring it on Day 42.

Day 40 2/15/08 the Big 4-0ver the hill

My husband thinks I dream more than most people, and it’s cute to watch him try to interpret my dreams. He has a habit of relating them all back to him. In some way, he thinks he infiltrates my REM. I have to disagree. It’s not that he’s not in them; he’s just not the reason behind all of them. He’s not the man behind the curtain. My dreams are very vivid and if I have one dream that usually lead to a series of dreams in one night. Often times they are non sequential and the only common denominator is that I had them all in the same night. My dreams are often drenched in color and too detailed for my own good. Sometimes I can identify the elements within my dreams that related to my real life, but usually I can’t. I bought one of those dream books once, but it didn’t help. I need something more comprehensive. For example, I would have a dream that I was running through a field of red flowers are myself, but a younger self. At the end of the field was a school. I would enter the school and be surrounded by friends, but be late for class, or ditch it entirely because I could never get my locker opened. Now, upon waking from a similar dream I would consult my dream book. Oh great, I must look up each event: child, running, red flower, school, friends, late, locker and try to string together the book’s explanation of events. It never made any fricken sense and got rid of the book. I think it mars the dreams to try to interpret them too much. I welcome them as an escape or adventure, and nothing more. I don’t want to spoil the few surprise life has yet to give.

Day 39 2/14/08 Today in the forecast

Snow came in the night, suffocating us all while we slept. It coated rooftops and crippled cars. There were only a couple inches in total which was a couple inches shy of the meteorologist’s predictions. Another storm took most of the moister off to our south. That’s fine by me. The white stuff is pretty and all, but its descent leads to car crashes, slipping, shoveling, freezing, and blowing. Might I add that 99% of the time the meteorologists are wrong in their forecast? Bankers can’t be wrong in their forecasts. Financial planners can’t be wrong in their forecasts. Airline pilots and control tower workers can’t be wrong in their predictions. Knowing all of that, I think I’ll make my next career that of a weather woman. Let’s face it; I can be polite and engaging. I can read queue cards and joke about the snow and cold. It’s not like there is much science behind this science. Every time the meteorologists are wrong, they rest of the old excuse “it just moved more toward our south. “ I say screw the south winds and the high pressure systems. I suggest we ignore the radar, cougar or Doppler technology and just take a wild guess. I suggest that when giving the weather report we simply recap the weather that’s already happened and state current weather conditions. While, it’s nice to be alerted to truly severe weather, it’s like they’re always crying wolf. Don’t get me wrong, I hate the snow and much and ice as much as anyone, and I welcome global warming for tempering that a bit, but c’mon people. Who else has a job where they can be wrong, or at least mostly not right most of the time? Hello, anyone taking applications for new, young, talented, sarcastic weather person who can read queue cards and interpret the current weather? If so, please inquire with Jill…

Day 38 2/13/08 'Sup er Time

I’ve become a “pacer.” I’m the lady that waits for her man to come home, and counts the minutes he’s late. It happened just today; just now. It happened ironically, in just one minute. First thing I know I’m preparing a wonderful meal for my hard working husband, and the next thing I know I’m counting the minutes he’s late. I’m cursing him for two minute tardiness and a soggy dinner. It’s really not a big deal; I’m just excited at the prospect of him walking into a hot and homey meal.

So in the meantime, I take my laps around the house. I make peripheral notes about what needs to be dusted or vacuumed as I wind around the main floor circle. From the kitchen to the dining room, which I noticed needs both a throughout dusting and vacuuming, and I need to make time to clear of f the dining room table. I make a mental list while tramping down the hall, past the bathroom and bedroom; everything looks ok in these rooms. I close the pace loop through the living room that leads me back into the kitchen. Boy does my kitchen need to be swept and wiped down; I add that to the list. I check on the meal, it is simmering at 6:34pm. Dinner was to be served at 6:30 sharp, per his schedule. I’m sure he got held up in traffic or at the gym. I can’t fault him for having a full agenda. I know he’ll be apologetic when he does get home. He’s always so complimentary, and he’ll feel awful for having held off dinner. Ah, finally at 6:38 I hear him pull up. I’ve had too much time to dwell on this today and I find it more humorous than anything else. It’s only dinner for God’s sake. It can hold. I’m resigned to not being a pacer anymore. Eight minutes of this is all I can take. I’m over it. Chow time!

Day 37 2/12/08 Gone South

It’s a frigid day here in the upper Midwest and I miss the birds chirping. I miss the smell of spring, the sunshine of summer, and the cha-ching of my paycheck. It’s dark and dry and all the soprano sparrows have gone south for the winter. They moved on to bigger and better and when the going got tough, the weak migrated. I don’t blame them. This cold weather is enough to keep sane people inside and the job hunters, hunting from the snuggly confines of their laptop. I escape the chilling sun to my office. My usual routine of emailing and job searching commences. I haven’t found a lot of good worms today. Perhaps they won’t come out again until spring, but I have to keep looking. I’m not weak and I’m not going south. Something has to catch my eye. I’m such a contradiction, some days I care about the money, and others I just care about the cause. I think this winter, this long lasting, and five long weeks remaining winter is taking its toll. I will forge ahead.

Day 36 2/11/08 Not another manic Monday

I’m emailing people from my old job today. They are still friends; we are still friends, but of a different kind now. I feel so disconnected to that place, even though I’ve been less than two months. I feel like that job was in another place and time in my life. I treasure the memories, but feel separated from all of them now. The distance lends itself to perspective. It isn’t as big as it once was, and I’m no longer as small as I once was. Things are more balanced, and more as they should be. Some days I feel sorry for the friends that are still there, but everyone must find their own path and follow it. What was the right choice for me, isn’t the right choice for anyone else. I am lucky and I know it (clap your hands- to the tune of If You’re Happy and You Know It).

Today’s email session also produced a few jobs leads. At first I was tentative about them, but then I got the better of myself. I told myself that I would be an incredible asset and addition to any company and I should just go for it. Just do it. Heck, it worked for Nike why can’t it work for me? I’m feeling clear and positive today. Sure, still unsure about the future, but today that comforts me. My brain is awake and my creativity alive, with many prospects, thoughts and ideas mingling inside my noggin. Today I’m not washed over with a sense of guilt for not working; instead I’m inspired by a sense of pride in not working in the old capacity. I have been given a grand chance for change, and I must take that chance and change something.

Day 35 2/8/08 No power power lunch

Today I am overtly scared, not to be confused with a typical day of hidden fear. Today I have lunch with an old vendor. From her email I get the sense that she wants to talk business over lunch. The email tone, along with the side comments made to me ever since I announced my voluntary retirement lead me down this train of thought. I must be open an inviting of any and all possibilities, but I am hesitant about this one. I don’t know why. I have no confirmation that they will even offer me anything, but I am still hesitant. My mind drifts to sensational and unrealistic offers that I couldn’t refuse. I imagine an offer with part time hours and triple time pay. I imagine balloons surrounding me and confetti showering me as they place the offer on the table. I imagine the offer leads to fame and fortune beyond my wildest dreams. And then I wake up. Reality hits and I realize that even if it is a great offer I need to be objective. Do I need income that bad? Would taking a job from them defeat the purpose of leaving my past job? Would I be setting out? Sometimes I hate my mind and the endless scenarios it can set in motion.. I tell myself that at the very least it’s a free lunch. It may be a lunch free of job offers too… only time will tell.

Ok, back after lunch. It was, as I subconsciously suspected- more of a catch up lunch. It was wonderful to catch up with old friends and co-workers and chat over chips ‘n cheese. Currently there aren’t any openings at their company that are a fit for me. The door has been left open for contract position, consulting or project by project employment. I’m satisfied with the outcome. I should learn that in life, no one is going to offer you a dream job- you must dream it then wake up and go steal it. A fine end to a fine week.

Dollars Spent today: $0

Day 34 1/7/08 Beer & a veggie sandwich

I can’t complain too much about day that started with some shopping (I spent $0) and ended with lunch and a beer (I only spent $12) can I? I can’t complain about the afternoon I got to spend with my girlfriend. We talked of life, love, friends and religion. My time with my friends is spent in the moment and not reveling in the fact that I don’t have a job. This time is precious and I must enjoy and take full advantage. It’s easy for me hide behind this façade. If I keep busy enough, maybe I, along with everyone else, will forget that I’m not gainfully employed, but rather gleefully unemployed.

Day 33 2/6/08 One night and a little perspective

Today is a new day and I’ll vow to make it a better day than yesterday. I need to acknowledge the good things in my life, not the obstacles. I need to realize that there are people much worse off than me. Many people would welcome the problems that I deal with. So, today I’m going to shut my mouth and try to roll with it. Let it roll over me and not roll me over. It’s a lesson I just can’t learn; no matter how many times I have a bad day, things are always better in the morning. I need to start telling myself that during the bad day. I need make a mantra, Things always better in the morning. That’ll be my new mantra that I must repeat whenever life tells me something I don’t want to hear.

Day 32 2/5/08 Sad lady in the store

Unnamed events of this morning have pulled me down. I no longer walk outside and embrace the sunshine, instead I curse it. I am in a foul mood and I want everyone and everything, including the solar system to align with me. I wish sad music on the radio and somber songs on iPods. I want the earth to be depressed with me. Two hours late I embark to the store, where nothing is right. I wander aimlessly down the aisles like a lost 5 year old. I forget what I came for and forget even further that there is a list in my back pocket. Half my list in cart, I emptily thank that cashier and retreat home. Here, I can play my sad song list and digest the morning. I am feeling more down than I have in weeks. My high ruined, and my buzz killed. Reality has come and smacked me in the face again and it burns. I don’t know what to do. Today I am wishing I was a lost five year old, because the world and grown up decisions would weighed less then. If I were five I wouldn’t need a job, or understand what a job was. If I were five I wouldn’t know how to spell and feel depressed. If I were five, I would feel alive and free. This too shall pass… I just keep telling my twenty-eight year old self that.

Day 31 2/4/08 snow, snow and more snow

As I sit at the computer today, the snow swirls outside. It's bright white, light and blowing. I am comfortable and safe inside my office and in front of the computer screen. I settle in to write today and my mind wanders. I'm mentally checking off all the mundane chores I've already completed for the day:
Breakfast- check.
Workout-check.
Shower- check.
Lunch for myself and Matt- check.
Clean kitchen- check.
Sweep floors- check.
Email-check.
Blog-check.


This is enough for me, for today, however, what about tomorrow. The day after and the day after that. Will this be enough for me? The answer is not simple, it's yes and no. In so many ways I'm exited and blessed to be home for awhile, maintaining my happiness, the home and the harmony of a marriage. I embrace the opportunity to lunch with girlfriends and indulge in unhurried conversations. Getting lost in books is now a favorite pastime. However, are people judging me? Am I judging myself? Does it matter? I'm not sure; I nosh on all of this in my head. I think I need something more. I am convinced that I should would. I am convinced that I want to work. I will work and I will continue to live

Day 30 2/1/08 What the February?

I feel like today is my 30th birthday and imminent danger lurks tomorrow. I feel like I'm thirty years old and still not finding myself. Day 30. A month. 1/12 of an entire year. I had a spectacular day today and I feel guilty. I feel guilty for not making one dime today, and spending 130 of them. I feel guilty for enjoying myself today. I feel guilty for endless reasons from endless pasts. The less I work the happier I am the sadder I become because I know it is short lived. I want to be wanted by my dream company. I want them to meet my every whim and demand, from my salary to my hours. I want to do things; big, bold, important things. I want to do something that matters. I can't add that pressure to the already mountainous hunt in front of me. I have to be happy in my skin and content in my work. Life is a work in progress, and how will it be when the picture is painted? It will be boring, and who'd buy it then? When the paint dries, I'd buy the farm.

I'll continue the soul search, along with the job search.