DAy 29 1/31/08 Is Pensivity a word?

I wonder if pensivity is a word, because it's certainly the word that describes my day. A night of little sleep and restless thoughts lead me to today. I should call today doubt day, because that's what it feels like. I'm lost in a flurry of anger, doubt, insecurity and confusion. I'm drenched in fear for the future and disgust over my sometimes lack of faith. A good friend of mine told me that I should always put the positive out there, because if I do that's what I'll get back. I'm doing my darndest, but today is a hard one. I'm stuck inside my own mind and I'm letting it wander and there is no lease in sight. No desire to wrangle my thoughts back to reality. Today every little thing sets my world into a tailspin. I'm dizzy today; the world is spinning.

Day 28 1/30/08 Father time

I embark upon day 30 with surprising calmness. I spent most of yesterday reading a book. I haven't finished a book in two days, well, ever. I read and I read and I wanted to read more. I wanted to see how the story would end. Would the boy get the girl? Would the boy live? So I read until it ended and then I sat there and stared at the book, wondering. I haven't had a free day to designate to reading in a long time. I felt affected by the book and overwhelmed by the opportunity to spend the afternoon reading it. I sat safely under my melon green blanket, book in hand and water on the table. I was not going to leave the couch until I knew the fate of the characters that I'd become so involved in. It was a good day, a day that I shall not take for granted. I day that I will remember whenever I have idle time. I commit myself to growing and learning more ever chance I get because you never know when you might run out of chances.

Day 27 1/29/08 What to lose

I just received an email my girlfriend lost her father last night. It was unexpected, and I pray peacefully quick. I send a little prayer up to the big man to welcome him into his eternal life. I know it sounds cheesy, but it's just my ritual. Whenever someone passes, or is ill, or I see an accident on the side of the road, I offer up a little prayer. I've been out of practice, except for those few tossed up every now and then. I think God understands and accepts my position and prayers. It's days like today that make you incredibly thankful for what you have. Today I will relish every moment, embrace my family and appreciate all that today gives me.

Day 26 1/28/08 The air we breathe

What an eventful morning, and it's only 10am. This morning Matt awoke to the smell of gas and determined that one burner on the stove had been left on low overnight. No flame and a cold stove, but one can never be too careful. I was the last one cooking, but I could swear I turned everything off. It doesn't matter, 2 hours and one Xcel repairman later we are in the clear. We are operating at only 1% gas concentration and are good to go. I'll leave the windows open for another hour or so, but all's well that ends well.

I have been up for an unusually long time already this morning, and it's given me a lot of time to knit, reflect and let my mind wander. I' checked my email, no response yet from my first application. I checked the internet this weekend and no postings that really strike my fancy. I'm growing weary and concerned, but my husband assures me things will be fine. I still know I made the right decision. Everything happens for a reason. In the words of Greg, "off to..."

Day 25 1/25/08 What will be, will be

And so it is done. I submitted my first official application, complete with cover letter, resume and three writing samples. This is a big step, one most people wouldn't think twice about. I don't want to get my hopes up, but the description online was totally for me. I don't want to get my hopes up because for all I know the job has closed, or it was a scam to begin with. Whatever happens, I did enjoy the process of tweaking my resume to fit their needs and gathering writing samples. I felt like I was doing something that was going to go somewhere . . . and I haven't felt invigorated like that in a long time! Cheers and prayers for a call or response!

Day 24 1/24/08 Cover Me, Cover Letter

I've spent the morning, along with an hour or so last night pouring over job postings. What's out there? What do I want? Job descriptions are hilarious to me, I find you have to read between the lines to determine just what job you're applying for. When I left my previous job, I read over the job posting and understood... um, like 60% of it. 20% of it was simply stuffed with empty brand and buzz words and the other 20% was vague and generic. Overall it correlated to the job I'd been doing for over 6 years, but I don't know it was the actual job I'd been doing. I think weeding through the political red tape to tap into the heart of the job will be my biggest challenge of all. That, and the cover letter and writing samples I have to gather today to apply for my dream job (fingers crossed that they hire me)!

Day 22 1/23/08 Naked Lunch... minus the naked part

Today I had lunch with a girlfriend (shout out to K2), and we had a wonderful afternoon together. We brooded over PB & J sandwiches and dished over steaming potato soup (homemade because soup is the best way to stretch a dollar and we're currently both unemployed). Our conversation strolled along as we spoke of the recent weeks, past relationships and current friendships. We wandered down memory lane, only to end at Reality Street. On Reality Street lives conversations about money and spending and debt and college. It's home to fear and frustration dashed with a tiny bit of hope. We ended lunch with your usual hug and all too cliche exchange of "We could talk for hours about this stuff. Let's do it again next week." And, if I haven't won the lotto, or scheduled that hot job interview, we will see each other again next week. And we will walk the talk.

Day 21 1/22/08 Wine and Whiners

I’m spending day 22 blogging instead of writing. Well, technically blogging is writing, but I’m spending day 22 situating myself with my new blog. I never thought this day would come. All I’ve done is taken someone else’s template, added my wicked rantings and ta-da, I feel like I’ve created a website all on own. I’m so hip! I am so unemployed.

Day 20 1/21/08 MLK Day

Today it dawns on me. Today, MLK day it dawns on me. After a productive day of reflection, Program 5 on the treadmill, lunch date with family friend and mom, homemade pizza it dawns on me. It dawns on me at 8:15 central/standard time just how difficult finding a job might be. I might be an insurmountable task. I rifle through job posting after job posting, wondering. I wonder if I'd like that job. I wonder if I'm even qualified. Do I use my potential non qualification as a crutch to not apply? Do I use the resume requirement to buy time until the job posting has bee removed? Do I use the "It's on Craig's List, is it safe" excuse disregarding my potential next dream job? Yes, today I've used all of these excuses. I find myself disappointed in myself tonight at 8:17pm. I shall not use any of these excuses tomorrow.

Day 19 1/18/08 Ouch

Actual literal day count without a job is 30, that includes weekends and holidays. Wow! That’s like a month. I can't believe it's been a month since I was employed. I don't mind the gap in my resume, I'm actually rather enjoying it, but I hope an employer doesn't mind the gap. (Isn't that a saying over in Europe in the train systems, “Mind the Gap!"?) Anyway, no time to dwell today, I've got a full agenda to keep me occupied and ignorant of my unemployment. I've had a job since I was fifteen and this is the longest break I've ever had. Ugh.

Day 18 1/17/08 Happy birthday boy

It’s Paul's birthday today. I hope he has more hope than I do today. I woke up with a veil disheartened attitude. I woke up today wanting, or rather, thinking it is time to get a job. All sources confirm that I should continue to enjoy the month off, but visions of year long unemployment haunt me. I know that I could find a job, but would it be taking a job just for the sake of needing a paycheck? Would it not be a job better than what I had? Do I need to worry about getting a job right now? Probably not realistically, but mentally I do. However, in the past few weeks I have noticed a change in my attitude. I find myself wanting to learn more. I find myself asking more questions. I'm asking the meaning the words, wanting to remember them, wanting to retain things. I find myself a heightened listener and wanting to absorb it all around me. It’s not that I've been a distanced or unintelligent person before; it's just that now I notice myself noticing things. It's like I'm through the haze and fog and in the present. It is a surprisingly invigorating feeling. So, I guess under today's veil of doubt and concern lays a renewed sense of curiosity and self. Not too bad, all in a day's work!

Day 17 1/16/08 Another blip

Next gap we get to, I'll add a movie quote or trivia question.

Day 16 1/15/08 I love the 80's

Day 16 makes me think of the movie 16 candles for some reason. That's my association with the number 16. That, or the horribly MTV Show, My Super Sweet 16. For the record I can no longer watch MSS- it makes me physically ill. Those your kids live in such a non-reality I can't stand it. They have to sense of self, only shopping and they threaten that their birthday will be ruined if they don't get the perfect car, or if the perfect band doesn't play, or if they don't perfect party. They spend more on their 16th birthday parties than I did on my first house and car, combined. Maybe I'm slightly jealous, but I don’t think that's it. If my parents had that kind of money, I'd spend it on a lot wiser purchases. I can't even imagine what these kid's 18th, 21st and god forbid weddings are going to be like. That' is a lifestyle I can't imagine, and wouldn't want. So, I search for jobs that will keep me in warm in my house and dressed in my clothes, but no designer duds for me

Day 15 1/14/08 More than a Bangle bracelet

Just another manic Monday. Thus far today I've worked out and am now in the process of submitting my resume to some contacts. I've strangely compartmentalized my job search. Jan is the month of soul searching, enjoyment and networking to friends. February will the month where I really hit the ground running if nothing has thus far sprouted and March I presume, will be a month begging for work... I think I'm mental for dividing the search like this. For some reason it helps me to keep thoughts of March at bay. I have a lot going on between now and then and I do truly believe that the right opportunity will come my way. I must believe that, at least until February.

Day 14 1/11/08

Apparently I didn't Mlog this day. I apologize for the lack of witty words. Move it along to day 15, I'm sure things will get better!

Day 13 1/10/08 Not Friday the 13th

This feels strangely like Friday the 13th when today is clearly a Thursday. I didn't focus too much today on finding a job. Instead, I find myself telling myself (ugh) that I'll do it tomorrow. Don't get me wrong, I'm motivated to find work, but I'm also motivated to explore this time off. I honestly haven't been bored a day yet. I woke up today, worked out, did a couple things around the house, met a friend for lunch, cleaned some fan blades and polished up my resume. All in a day's work. I'm also honestly excited and surprised that I haven't burnt out on TV. I originally thought that I'd watch more TV than I have been watching. Surprisingly, and pleasantly so, I've found other things to fill my time. My to do list is over halfway crossed off. I better start adding some more. However, only so much can be done in the winter. My spring "to do" list awaits and involves building a new garden, reviving any survivors from last year and planting a fresh crop. Look at me, it's only mid January and I'm already planning for spring. Spring has not sprung as it is only 21 degrees today, on this day, Thursday, not Friday, the 13th

Day 12 1/9/08 What is there to say

Total day count is 20 days since I was employed (this does include weekends), but man that seems like a lot of time off. It feels like a month, even though it is only 2/3 of a month. And a month seems like longer than a month. Technically I'm only on day 12, day 20 sounds high and will soon be approaching. Tonight is another Wed and it's a night for my online group. They keep me sane and grounded. Tonight my Mlog is in the barrel. Though, can anyone really judge someone elses stream of conscious? Or rather, should anyone judge stream on conscious? Should anyone really judge anyone furthermore? I think there is too much judgment to go around. I'm just as guilty as everyone else, but that doesn't make it right. Geez is that like my 5th cliché today. Ugh, gotta get those clichés out of my head. And so I ramble on...........Ok, David Gray or whoever the frick sings that song. I get the point, what does Fergie say, "Shut Up, Just shut up" Is that her song? Oh, who cares, I'm outie!

Day 11 1/8/08 Not my lucky day

If only this were November 11th today would be my lucky day. If only I wrote today's entry at 11:11 today would be my lucky day. I'm going to make my own luck from now. I'm going to embraced that fact that though I think I may be cursed with bad luck, I just have to deflect it. I'm going to embrace the notion that I have no luck- good or bad. I'm going to start believing in all the inspirational quotes my friend Erick sends to me. I'm going to take a hold of my own destiny and future and ride it into the sunset. No, I haven't been drinking today (though that sounds appealing); I'm just feeling very positive today. I'm sure tomorrow with bring less optimism, so I'll just enjoy it today.

Day 10 1/7/08 Double Digits

Today I hit double digits with my unemployment. I've actually renamed it currently, Funemployment. I call it that not to make light of the fact that I am currently not a productive member of the economy, bt only to indicate that today is a big day. Only to indicate that I've temporarily embraced this not working attempt. I think that, as of late I am a lighter person. I carry less around with me. I do however; carry this invisible weight of finding a job, but today it weighs as much as air and I'm more excited to be excited. I'm more excited to see what's out there and enjoy a few days. For the record, I am still in my "vacation" zone, so my drain on the economy and my finances has not started. Today I sent out an email seeking donations for a charity event I'm participating and then I'm off to lunch with a friend and her son. I'd say I've gotten in some good deeds for the day. Tonight I will try to focus on my resume and sending it out to a few interested parties. Maybe I will even learn to blog legitimately and post this on the web. Woo Hoo

Day 9 1/4/08 On the road AGAIN

That’s right, it's the gypsy life for me. This weekend we head up north with friends and family for a little retreat. It's a tradition. One trip in the summer and one trip in the winter. My sister's family won't be able to make this trip due to sick kids, but I guess kids get sick. We look forward to having them again in the summer. Since we're hitting the road, which means more errands today. Seriously, it's ridiculous, but I would fill up my day with fricken errands. I got a few run yesterday too. I joked to one of my friends that I wondered how I got anything done when I worked 40+ hours a week. I think that the more you have to do, the more you get done. It's easier for me to prioritize a larger list, and then check small things off. I won't complain though, I can go either way. Well, day 9 is feeling good. The thought of job hunting is forefront and at the back of my mind. I'm quietly enjoying this small amount of time to myself and I don't want to give that up. On the other hand, I know that I won't be 100% happy at home full time. If I could just win the lotto. If I did I would be generous to all who are generous to me and then I'd start my own business or charity or something.... A girl can dream can't she?!

Day 8, for real 1/3/08 Ladies who Lunch and Martha sucks

I've officially, for today at least, become a lady who lunches. I'm going to go meet a good girlfriend today for lunch. Once I gave my notice everyone at work joked that we were going to have lunch every day and just bum around. We are having lunch, and might do it again, but I didn't resign my post just so her and I could do lunch. I won't lie though; I am hoping we go Mexican so I can have a margarita at least. That would kick tequila ass! I dreamt a lot last night again, though I can't remember my dreams from last night. I woke up around 9 refreshed and ready for the day. I can't remember a string of days in which I awoke recharged for the day. It is a good feeling. As Martha Stewart would say, it's a”good thing". Speaking of her, she really bugs. I've been able to catch her on the craft channel lately and wow is she bitchy. She thinks she is the most perfect gift at the craft table. I felt bad for her guests. Her guests, the ones that CAME with the ideas were treated like worker bees. Ah, I could go on, and I digress. There is a lot more to be said about Martha and her addictive TV shows that I can't seem to stop watching. I will stop. She bugs me and I must take a stand.

Day 7 1/2/08 I don't even know what day it is

Is it day 8 or day 9? I'm trying to reconcile this to myself since I am only counting those actual days that I would be working. Hmm... Is that sad that I need to give this thought and perhaps even count on my hands what day this is? What a day this was. I woke up with a to do list and actually got a few of the items checked off it. My list however, didn't include talking to my one girlfriend for forty five minutes and then talking to my other girlfriend for over two hours. 126 minutes and 32 seconds to exact. I checked my phone records. I think both calls are evidence that I needed a break. I mean, I couldn't exactly accommodate three hours of phone calls from my previous cube, now could I? It was great to touch base with my ladies and not feel rushed. I ran a few errands after that and now I find the day toiled away and it's time to hop online for my writing group. More tomorrow

Interlude: 1/1/08

My new motto:

2008 is going to be great (and I’m going to try to lose weight)!
* disclaimer that I am not responsible for anything in parenthesis

Day 6 12/31/07 It's the end of the world as we know it... the end of 2007 at least

So, yes, technically I should be working today. We're ( I still say "we" even though I'm just "me" now) open after all. See, I still say "we" as if I'm still part of the Bulls eye family. I don't feel that distanced from them, but I think I am. I'm not part of that large machine and I no longer own the in store signing or spew commentary on the ads. I think it will be a very curious transition. I was so close to it all for so long I wonder if I am forever jaded and will never be able to go to Target as just their statistical
"guest". I wonder if I'll always know what's underlying in the commercials and print ads and in store signage. I wonder if I'll ever stop caring or even noticing.
Today is the last day of 2007. What a year it has been. It's like I've done nothing and everything all in the same year. It's like I was so scared that I just had to jump without a net. I know people think I'm crazy, but I'm going to make 2008 the best I can be. It has to be my year. It has to be our year. " 2008 is going to be great, and I might lose a little weight" Cheers!

Day 5 12/28/07 Got Crabs?

I don't them, but I am one. Am I crabby or what? I awoke today in a fine mood, but find that any little thing can set me off today. I think subconsciously life is sinking in and I'm also in the process of trying to recover from the holidays. I think I now realize that I don't have a job and I don't want to admit my fear out loud. I have been very productive today, checking tasks of my "to do" list. I assumed my list would take at least a month, but at this rate I'll be finished with everything in a week. Pace yourself. I wake up most days desperately wanting to write something of substance on Mlog, but so far, nothing. 8 days and counting. Pace yourself. I kicked my husband out of the house to go pursue his required academia at a coffee shop instead of our office. I need my space. Pace yourself. I'm hoping that some time alone will do me some good. I'm just in between projects and lunch- wow, doesn't that sound vague and spoiled. Ah, well, someone has to live this life. Pace Myself.

Day 4 12/27/07 The Final Countdown

I am counting all the days of "non work" including the weekends, and I think that may be a bit unfair. I will Mlog (aka my Blog. Also a distant reference to The Office where Michaels talks of his girlfriends anatomy that hang off "m'ladies chest") on weekend but only keep track of actual days to be fair. I had so many dreams last night I don't know where they came from. They mainly involved my high school friends and all of us trying to out to the bars. However, now that I'm up I realize there is a lot of grey area that I can't recall. When I was in the moment it all felt so real. I can even recall in my dream sitting at a dining room table talking to one friend on my right, but subtly overhearing the conversation of my two friends across the table. Those friends had dated years ago and from what I could overhear there were finally making peace with each other. I finally awoke after many hours of slumber. My years in the rat race have worn me out. I sleep so much these days, just letting myself drift into sleep and awake when my body tells me to. It is a luxurious life that I'm sure I could get used to. However, when we get home from holiday travel I will have to set an alarm and get up at a decent hour. I plan to wake up, exercise and then check things of my "to do" list. I will also start the job search and resume distribution, but I am still trying to enjoy this idle time. Thought, admittedly, unless I had some sort of part time or charity work lined up, I could not imagine not working long term. That's what I say today...

Day 3 12/26/07 What Dreams May Come

I woke up this morning and my very first thought again was “I don't have a job!" I trace this back to my dreams. I dreamt that we were planning my "Going away mass", that's right, I dreamt about church... Amen! I dreamt that my co-workers were planning a service for me and we were trying to think of the best way to tell the congregation that I was leaving. Prior to my actual departure I received a wonderful scrapbook with little quotes and memories from people, which we made reference to in my dream. I "pastor" wanted us to write my going away speech based off this little note cards. I can also report that a friend from junior high was in my dream. I think she sneaked in there because we went to private Catholic school together and spent many hours together in the pews at church. It was a strange amalgamation of my past and present. What the shit? May we all go in peace!

Interlude: 12/25/07 Sleeping Beauty, Tired Beauty

Even less to report today. It was Christmas, a day filled with heavy eyes and leftovers. Also, the day that most historians believe Jesus was born. Historians that think they know better believe Jesus was born sometime in July. Perhaps the 4th of July is a dual holiday?!

Day 2 12/24/07

Not much more can be said on Christmas Eve, of Christmas Eve. Thoughts centered on friends and family, nothing more, it were a good day!

Day 1.75 12/23/07 Prancer & Pedicures

T'was the night before Christmas and come lookey, lookey all in the house were stuck baking cookies. Sugars one, nut rolls with homemade bread on the side. Day three still feels like vacation, Christmas vacation. We spent the morning lounging and baking and an hour of our afternoon we spend in spa chairs. I could get use to the spa chairs. I love them. The silky warm bath you plunge you feel like Calgon has taken you away. When I make my first million I'm going on install one of these chairs in a special room. When I make my first million I am also going to send my husband to select cosmetology classes so he can learn to give me pedicures. I think this plan will go over well. Day three feels much like day 1 and 2, I'm sure as the distance between having a job and not have a job lengthens things will start to feel differently and the days will start to distance themselves.

Day 1.5 12/22/07 Have car; will travel

Saturdays can’t count against me in my ticking clock of unemployment. I spent the majority of day 2 in the car. The wonderful ride through the English countryside was full of sun and glistening snow. Ok, actually it was a drive from MN to Chicago full of rain and fog. We felt like we were wearing dirty contacts throughout the grey and murky drive. How was stayed awake the entire ride, I just don't know. We passed by small town after small town, with a short stop in Mausten and another short stop in Kenosha. Two tolls and 2.75 later we arrive at our destination. Excited to come in from out in the fog we started in with holiday traditions of baking and frosting cookies. Some were "art deco", mine were super coordinated and I'm sure will be the most appealing to the family. I never knew how much I enjoy the big crystal sugar sprinklers or making candy canes out of cookies. Day 2 I seem to be enjoying the traditions of life and taking it all in. I sit here and type and wonder about day 3 though. I still feel like I'm on vacation and this bubble will soon burst. If it bursts today I think all that will empty out will be a bunch of frosting. Yum! Eat me!

Day 1 12/21/07 Footloose and Fancy Free

Holy crap! I awoke this morning mulling over the festivities of yesterday's farewell Happy Hour. I wonder why they are always called Happy Hour when they clearly last far beyond an hour. We should proudly proclaim then happy hourS, because that is what they are, hours of happiness. Happiness and drunkenness, but happiness none the same. I took it easy today, feeling as if I was merely back in high school ditching class, or perhaps not feeling well and off on a sick day. At one point I thought to myself, "Oh my God, i don't have a job, what am I going to do?" That negative thought loomed for about 2 minutes when I decided to embrace it and then i thought, "Oh my God, I don't have a job, what am going to go?" as in, I can do anything I want. I've come to the realization that this was so far one of the best decisions I could make. Many people imparted words of wisdom on me before I left, with one current theme. the current theme being, go for what makes you happy, you'll land on our feet. Now, I know of the well wishes has to walk in my shoes for the next few months, but I also know that they were right. I am going to be fine. I am going to find a job. I am going to find a job that is more rewarding than what I was doing before. And, most importantly, another employer is going to be lucky to hire me. They'll need to sell their company like I'll need to sell myself. So, day one concludes on a mentally, though not so physically productive note. Let's keep this up!